Have you ever read something that’s stayed with you long after you finished reading it? That’s how this post about victim blaming came about. Last week I read this post on the Handbag Mafia blog.
Have a read – it’s extremely thought provoking! I read the post and left a comment, and I thought that would be the end of it, but it’s stayed with me, and compelled me to write this post.
We, as a society, have got to stop blaming the victim for crimes committed against them. I will use rape/sexual assault as the example here, primarily because that’s what the original post was about, but also because it seems that the blame the victim defence is used most often in these cases, although it’s not unheard of for it to be used for other crimes.
I would also like to point out that throughout the post, I will refer to women being raped by men.
I realise men can also be the victim of rape/sexual assault and women can be the perpetrators.
I refer mainly to women here because I’ve yet to hear of a man being raped and anyone saying “Well what did you expect when you’re dressed like that/walking down there/leading him on”. I appreciate this may well have happened, but I can only go on what I’ve heard, and I am in no way trying to trivialise sexual assaults on men
How The Justice System Blames The Victim
So picture the scene. A woman goes to the police station to report a rape.
Is it appropriate to ask what she was wearing, for any reason other than to gather potential forensic evidence from her clothes? No, of course its not.
Is it appropriate to tell her she should have stuck to a well lit, populated street, or to have been accompanied by someone else? No, of course its not.
By asking these questions, and trying to determine if the woman in question in any way made herself a target, it is surely diluting the severity of the trauma she has just experienced.
It reminds me of the stereotypical “Old Boy’s Club”, where even the people assumed to be on the side of the victim are placing a metaphorical reassuring hand on the rapists shoulder and saying “Don’t worry mate, she had it coming.”
I whole heartedly agree that someone else’s actions should never be turned on the victim. It makes it so much harder for victims to come forward if they think there is even a remote chance they will be made to feel like they are on trial too.
How We, As A Society, Blame The Victim
I will openly admit to using phrases such as “If you walk down there alone at night you are asking for trouble”.
I have said this in the hope that people will think twice putting themselves in a dangerous situation. I have never, and nor would I ever, say that to someone who has been attacked.
I really believe there is a world of difference between saying that as a warning to someone, and saying it to make someone feel responsible for something someone else has done to them.
Perhaps it’s a wording issue? There are probably hundreds of different ways of wording the warning, but ultimately, the meaning is the same.
Why Victim Blaming Needs To Stop Right Now
Can you imagine how horrific it must be to be raped? And then imagine that, not only has this happened to you, but you are being at least partially blamed for it.
There’s whisperings among your peers, and lawyers won’t hesitate to actually blatantly suggest you were at fault if it will help their client. You know, just because you were there!
Can you imagine how much harder it must be to come forward and report a rape when you know that you will be dragged through the mud almost as much as the actual criminal?
It doesn’t matter if the woman who was raped has had sex with a hundred men – if she said no to one of them, and he did it anyway, that is NOT her fault.
If she wore skimpy clothing and flirted with him, that is NOT an invitation to violate her.
Why do some people have such a hard time seeing that?
We have to stop letting the rapist think that his actions were ok on any level.
How can we condone someone doing something so awful to someone else? How can we blame the victim for the actions of a sick individual?
How can we be so judgemental as to think we can decide that someone deserved to be raped?
Seriously, what the hell is wrong with society when we think that is ok on any level?
That Doesn’t Mean That We Shouldn’t Exercise Caution
Here’s some of the things I’ve heard people say women should be able to do without fear of attack:
– They should be able to wear whatever they want to
– They should be able to walk alone down an unlit street at 2am if they choose to
– They should be able to meet a man in a bar and go home with him for coffee/drinks with no intention of sleeping with him
– They should be able to flirt with a man and then still say no to sex
I am not even going to begin to list every scenario, these are just the ones that crop up the most in my experience.
Do I agree that a woman should be able to do all of these things without worrying she is somehow “asking” to be attacked? Yes, of course I do!
In an ideal world, she would be able to.
But this isn’t an ideal world, and the sad fact remains that women can’t do these things without the fear of attack. The fact remains that there are sexual predators out there who will see a woman in these situations as an opportunity.
And while I think blaming the victim is unhelpful, inhumane and just plain wrong, I still think that we have to educate young women about the very real dangers out there (I also think we should be educating young men on active consent, it shouldn’t all be the girl’s responsibility).
Again, in an ideal world, it would be great to sit a group of teenage girls down and tell them they can do all of these things without the fear of being attacked, but if we do that, I think we are putting these girls in very real danger.
The fact that they should be able to do those things, doesn’t mean that they can.
We need to educate young girls to see that although they do have a right to do all of the above things and more and still be safe, that that isn’t actually the case.
We need to teach them about safety as well as women’s rights.
After all, you should be able to go on holiday and leave your doors and windows unlocked and not be burgled – but you wouldn’t advise that same group of girls to do that, because you know this isn’t an ideal world, and bad people will see an unlocked house as an opportunity.
To finish, I implore you, if you are in a position to influence the education of young girls, whether as a teacher, parent, social worker or any other way, please, please don’t put women’s rights issues before safety.
What are your thoughts on this issue?
I'm glad my post got you thinking! I think it's all in how we frame things and also in how we examine the facts. The thing is, most sexual assaults are not random attacks in dark alleyways. They are perpetrated overwhelmingly by people known to the victim- a friend, partner or family member.So while it's certainly prudent to be careful at night, it's not going to prevent the majority of attacks on women. Here is where we can see it's a much bigger cultural problem that needs a big shift to change.
Yes, that's true, all the precautions in the world are unlikely to prevent someone we know and probably trust from doing this to us. I think that in this scenario being made to feel even a tiny bit responsible is enough to push someone over the edge. And yes we do need big changes to the current system. Thanks for stopping by 🙂
Sadly I became a Victim of a Taxi driver aged 16! I was not dressed inappropriate, not drunk, didn't do anything wrong. Just happened to get in the wrong taxi at the wrong time with the wrong driver! Yet the Police attempted to blame me for everything and tried to look for something I had done! It was very upsetting and stayed with me for many years. it was only as an adult that I realised how badly I had been let down…but it is done and dusted and I have been able to overcome the experience. It did take many years though and I'm sure my life would have been way different had I not believed it was my own fault all those years. Angela x
Oh Angela I am so sorry that happened to you. I imagine the experience was traumatic enough without being made to feel like you were responsible. I'm glad you found the strength to get through it and see that you weren't responsible – the only person responsible is the monster who thought he could do that to you! Sending you happy thoughts. Thank you for commenting 🙂
I am now strong enough to speak out and stand up for what I believe. So many experiences and so much to blog about! – All in a hope of inspiring and helping others! Angela x
My recent post- "My adrenal crisis and the truth about how I feel"
Good on you! I think it's very brave to talk about your experience in the hope of helping others – that in itself is inspiring. Looking forward to checking out your blog 🙂
We have a 15 year old daughter and I'm constantly trying to make her aware of the world around her. To me drinking heavily is the biggest risk factor for women. Great post
Thank you 🙂 It must be a little scary as a parent to a teenage girl, knowing the dangers. I am really glad you are making her aware of the risks. I agree – when you are drunk it is a lot harder to keep your wits about you and protect yourself!
It's truly a cruel world we live in and raising two daughters I fear this most! It's very sad that they can't go out into the world without fearing of an attack or being humiliated and questioned as though they are the ones who did something wrong upon being attacked. It's sad that so many are brushed through the system…swept under the rug because of money and power. Thanks for sharing with #momsterslink http://wp.me/p5fmoJ-i7
I totally agree – it must be scary having daughters in today's world. Its so wrong that money can buy people out of this situation (where they are the attacker). It's another sign of the times we are living in. Thank you for hosting 🙂
That really is a thought provoking article. As a mother of girls it worries me greatly. I wish I could always be there to protect my girls, but I know that's possible so it's important for us to educate our children about this. Thanks for linking up to the #BinkyLinky
Education really is important here – as you said you can't be there 24/7, and upsetting as it is to talk about to young girls, educating them to the dangers out there is protecting them as much as you can. Thank you and thanks for hosting 🙂
I get so cross about victim blaming! Such a crazy notion. Good effort on the overall challenge #momsterslink
I know it makes me so mad! More so because this is already such a traumatic thing without the people who are meant to be on your side making it worse! Thank you 🙂
I have three teenage children and constantly worry they are as streetwise as they think great post thanks for linking to the Binkylinky
You just have to hope that in the moment they remember what you've told them and make the right choices. It's such a scary world for teens/children at the minute. It must be a constant worry letting them out of your sight. Thank you and thanks for hosting 🙂
That's such a huge issue! And you are right, women should be able to go and do as they please and they shouldn't' be blamed if things go wrong or they get hurt. I also agree that the world isn't that way and that women should be taught to be safe and careful. Great post, very thought provoking #momsterlink
I think education is key – for the young women and also for the people who are responsible for dealing with the victims of these crimes. Obviously they need to find out what happened, but they need to do it in a way that doesn't sound like they are victim blaming. Thank you for stopping by 🙂
I have a ten year old daughter and I am dreading the teenage years. Even explaining something like this is going to be so difficult. Great post! I have posted on the feminist society website for the Uni I attend. I know some people cringe at the term 'feminist' however this is simply people who want a fair society for both men and women. They have male members and if men are treated unfairly, then that is a subject open for discussion too. 🙂
I think it's hard to find the balance between ensuring teenagers understand the risks and take precautions and not scaring them to the point they never want to leave the house. I'm all for feminism that works both ways and calls for equality, and I think with issues like this it is important to educate young boys too. Thanks for stopping by 🙂
Wow! this was quite the read. I completely agree with you. Great post! A great way to express it
Thank you Susan 🙂
This certainly was thought provoking. However I don't think it is victim blaming if we remind our girls to not dress provocatively, to stay in well-lit places, and to know those they are with. That is not victim blaming. That is ensuring our daughters, mothers, sisters, etc all stay safe. We need to remember rape is not a crime of passion but a crime of anger against women. We need to band together and help each other protect each other. I am visiting on the A to Z Road Trip! Hope to see you around
The safety of women (and everyone) has got to come first, and you are right we do need to all be together on this. And we do need to all protect each other! Thank you for stopping by 🙂
A really thought provoking post and I'm glad you linked it up. Victim blaming is not acceptable and I also completely agree that there are many things we should be able to do but sadly the world now dictates that there are some that we just can't. Thanks for sharing this #bigfatlinky
Thank you 🙂 It is a sad reflection of the world we live in today, and until there is a radical change, we sadly can't do some of the things we should be able to. Thank you for hosting 🙂
Really thought provoking, especially today with binge drinking (on both sides) where so much can happen. I'd like to think I'm fairly streetwise but I have probably been in dodgy situations where I am lucky I wasn't a victim. #twinklytuesday
I think at one time or another, we've all put ourselves at risk – as you point out it's usually after a few too many drinks, and we are the lucky ones. Thanks for commenting 🙂
I worry a lot about some of the teenage girls I teach. They really don't understand the danger they can be in and so important to minimise the risk by, for example, not walking around alone at night.
Thanks for linking up to #SundayStars
I think we have the "it won't happen to me" mind set a lot of the time, especially as teenagers. All you can do is educate them of the dangers and hope when it comes to it what you say resonates with them on some level. Thanks for hosting 🙂
Great post and Completely agree. As for men getting those kind of comments…Although I think the person could have unique circumstances that might make them specifically get them…but I can say that they do. Although I think on the whole there is a gender difference in victim blaming. And a massive difference. It shouldn't happen at all! There is no blame on them at all and people need to stop doing it. Thanks for linking up with us on the #bigfatlinky hope to see you there this week
Thank you 🙂 I agree – there's no way the victims in any crime should be blamed. I also think it's funny (not in a haha way) that the more personal and traumatic the crime is. the more the victim seems to be blamed! Thanks for hosting, see you next week! 🙂
As a mother of two young girls and a rape survivor, this terrifies me. I agree that it's important to both stress how to avoid dangerous situations and to support victims. It's not one or the other.
Thanks for linking with #TwinklyTuesday.
I can't imagine how scary it is trying to get the balance right in educating your girls and not terrifying them to the point they never want to go out. I totally agree we have to do both – it is not an issue we can bury our heads in the sand about. I hope this post hasn't brought back bad memories for you.
Our society is so judgemental and quick to blame victims just to make sense of it all. It's just sad, wrong and we should support and help more victims. I can't even imagine something terrible happening and being blamed for something like I could have prevented it. Outrageous. Great post. Thank you so much for linking up to Share With Me. I hope to see you again tomorrow for another great round #sharewithme
I know it would be the worst feeling – like these women aren't already traumatized enough by what's happened to them!
Thank you and thanks for hosting 🙂 I will be by tomorrow, maybe a little late because my internet is going to be down for an hour or two in the morning 🙁
What a GREAT post. Fabulous read. Thanks so much for linking up with #MMWBH
Thank you so much 🙂 and thank you for hosting!
What a great post. I agree with everything you said. It's true we should be able to walk down a dark ally and wear whatever we want, when we want without fear of being attacked but sadly as you say, real life means we can't.
#effitfriday
Thank you 🙂 It is a sad sign of the times that we can't. I think it's a disservice to teenage girls if we tell them otherwise!
Sisterhood of the World Blogger's Award 3 - My Random Musings
[…] What’s your favourite post and why? Oh, this is a difficult one! I think perhaps this one about blaming the victim, as it’s something I feel quite strongly […]