Let me start by saying I’m 35 and I don’t have children and that is by choice. I know that sounds pretty random, but it is what inspired this post.
I’m not sure why, but complete strangers seem to think they have a right to comment on this and offer their unsolicited
opinion on it.
Whenever it comes up in conversation, the comments usually start off sympathetic and swiftly move on to judgement when I explain it’s my choice.
For a long time, as soon as it was mentioned, I’d quickly jump in and explain that I love children, I just don’t want my own. Now I don’t bother.
If that’s the assumption people choose to make then that’s up to them. People who know me know I’m not someone who hates children and thinks vile thoughts about other people’s.
It really came to light a couple of weeks ago. I got a random message on Facebook from someone who told me I’d make an awesome mommy blogger and then tried to get my to pay him to build me a website. I responded saying “I’m pretty sure I’d need a child for that”.
In hindsight, I should have ignored the message, but for some reason I didn’t.
Anyway, this total stranger who was just trying to sell me something responded saying he was sorry and he was sure it would happen soon. This got my back up to the point where I responded saying it was by choice. He then gave me a lecture on how children are a gift from God!
Like what the Hell? I’m sure they are if you want children, but how is that an appropriate thing to say to someone you don’t even know?
I wrote out a strongly worded reply and then decided I had better things to do than justify myself to a complete strangers so I deleted it, but the message got my back up on so many levels.
Firstly, if I want an opinion on my life choices, I’ll ask for it.
Secondly, don’t assume I’m sad about not having children (I’m not) and don’t assume I’m religious (I’m not).
Thirdly, the message implied that as a woman, pretty much all I should be aspiring to is being a mother.
I thought that women like me who choose not to have children where the only ones who experienced this judgement, but it turns out I was wrong.
I recently read a post on Thimble and Twig (which you can read here) about how the writer there is judged for having what society deem as “too many” children.
So basically, it seems we’re fair game for the unwanted opinions of strangers unless we have (or aspire to have) two children and a dog then.
Why do strangers care how many children someone has? Or why someone doesn’t want any children?
As my dad once said, unless you’re paying for something, it’s none of your business.
Do you fit either ends of the scale? Do you often get judgemental comments? Do you judge people on the number of children they have or don’t have? Let me know in the comments 🙂
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Thank you so much for sharing.
I don’t judge. I have three children (2 girls 1 boy). I kinda wanted 4 (2 boys and 2 girls) so that each one would know what it was like to have a brother and a sister, but I was 42 when I had the last one and that was getting kinda old to continue on several levels. I am glad that I have children and I feel sorry for people who want them and can’t have them, but totally understand if someone chooses not to have them. It definitely changes the rest of your life!
I really do feel for people who want children and can’t have them too. It must be awful
I was once told by someone that people who don’t want children are being selfish. I asked her “Isn’t it more selfish to bring children into the world for your own reasons, without first asking the children themselves if they want to live on this mess of a planet… which, of course, you can’t?” She knew I was half-kidding, but she didn’t have an answer. I think everyone has a right to determine their own path. And I’ve known plenty of people who had children although it was obvious that they were going to be unfit parents before a pregnancy ever even occurred.
I’m an each to their own kind of person. Want your own football team? Go for it. Don’t want any children? Cool. It just seems not everyone is quite so quick to let others make their own decisions.
Personally, I couldn’t imagine bringing a child into the world we’re living in today, but if other people choose to, that’s their business
Each person should be able to choose their own path and these questions/opinions are intrusive. When we were trying to conceive we were asked regularly when we’d start a family. That was a really difficult time that wasn’t helped with everyone else interfering. #anythinggoes
People just seem to think they have some sort of right to pass judgement/ask insensitive questions. It must have been awful having to keep explaining this over and over again!
Oh my goodness so relevant right now. I am 31 and went to my boyfriend’s nephew’s 3rd birthday party this weekend. Two of the mums introduced themselves and then the very next thing they said was “so when are you going to have one?”
I was absolutely gobsmacked. They had just met me so it’s a massively personal question (who’s to say I’ve not been trying for years?) and also – do they have NOTHING else to say?! You know, when you meet someone you could try ‘what do you do for a living?’ ‘how are you finding living in this new city?’ ‘what else are you up to this weekend?’ ‘Have you tried that pizza it’s totally amazing?!’ Literally anything else.
I also listened to this podcast which your readers might enjoy on the subject:
http://www.jessicamurnane.com/episode-84-not-having-children-by-chance-or-by-choice-with-jody-day/
Jody Day’s group Gateway Women is for women who are child-free AND child-less and the whole conversation fascinated me.
Thanks so much for sharing!
Wow, that’s so inappropriate! Like you say, there must have been thousands of other things they could have asked. Thanks for the recommendation 🙂
OMG. It’s crap that people think that they have the right to comment on other’s decisions with regard to children or indeed with regard to anything. Things like this make me really angry. Pen x
Me too! I’m generally pretty thick skinned and it doesn’t bother me, but how do these strangers know that I’m not desperate for a baby and can’t have one? Imagine how those questions could damage someone in that situation!
I just turned 40 this year and I still get people trying to convince me to have another child because “don’t you want to have a little girl?” Well, yeah I did want a little girl at one point but I have since become very content with having only two boys for one. For two I would need a man to help with that which I have no desire to have in my life right now (that opens a whole other can of worms) and three I’m 40! I am done having children. I have plans to travel once my kids are old enough that I don’t feel guilty leaving them behind because I want to travel kid free. No offense to my boys. I love them more than anything but mama needs a break, lol. I don’t understand why total strangers see fit to put their two cents where it doesn’t belong. #anythinggoes
This must drive you mad – it’s like saying the boys are ok but you need a girl as well. What total rubbish! It irritates me no end when people think this sort of thing is ok to say to someone
Argh this kind of thing really winds me up! It falls into the same category as (almost immediately following the birth of your child) ‘are you having any more?’. I’m sorry I didn’t realise that the letting status of my uterus was any of your business.
Totally get where you’re coming from with this post #AnythingGoes
That must be really frustrating too!
I would never mention it to someone childless in case there was a medical reason and they were upset about it. Also it is none of my business what choices people make, I wouldn’t want people judging me so why would I want to judge others? #anythinggoes
I wish more people thought of it that way! I mean you could really upset one if they were struggling to get pregnant or couldn’t have children!
I have to deal with that too. My mother-in-law for a while kept asking, but eventually, enough nevers made her shut up. I tend to get insensitive and morbid now when people tell me I’ll change my mind. I like my nephews and that’s it.
It’s so annoying, especially when its relentless!
I don’t understand why people are so judgemental about something that doesn’t affect them in any way? I’ve got a daughter, but my sister and many of my friends are not interested in having children and they often get the same kind of rude and nosy comments. Not wanting your own children doesn’t mean you hate kids, just like not wanting a pet doesn’t mean you hate animals. We all have our own preferences and should be allowed to live our own lives without judgment.
Exactly! I can’t fathom why so many total strangers care one way or the other what I choose to do.