Intentionally or unintentionally, people make mistakes and hurt those who are close to them.
Pain, especially if the person who hurt you is someone you love or loved, is normal in this situation. This is because your brain perceives emotional pain as physical pain, so it literally feels like heartbreak.
Although it is okay to let it hurt for a little while as you process your feelings and the memories, it’s wrong to let it linger for too long. If you continue to relive the pain over and over again, you are risking a lot more than just a heartbreak.
You are risking your happiness, well-being, social life, and falling into depression.
In order to prevent this, let’s have a look at some common misconceptions on what forgiveness is and isn’t. This will give you a true understanding of why forgiving those who hurt you is actually good for your well-being.
- Forgiving is not excusing the other person for his or her actions
- Forgiving doesn’t mean everything is fine and you no longer need to work on the relationship to improve it
- You don’t have to tell the other person he or she is forgiven
- Forgiving isn’t forgetting the incident ever happened
- After you forgive, you don’t have to include the person in your life anymore
- Forgiveness is not something you do for the other person
You see, if you want to personally grow, forgiving is essential. After a while, the experience of being hurt by someone in the past is now just a thought or feeling that you carry around like a load.
Why would anyone want to live like that? Why would you want to hold on to anger, sadness, resentment, and negative energy?
On the contrary, if only you could let go, you would know peace.
This load gets in the way of you creating quality relationships and being truly happy.
I don’t know about you, but when I initially got a better understanding of what forgiveness isn’t, I could finally let go and move on.
Here are some tips on how to start forgiving those around you:
Do Not Try to Push the Memory Down
Suppressing your pain and memories when they come to you is wrong and doesn’t work in the longer term.
There is a reason why they emerge to the surface from time to time: to face and forgive.
Face what has happened and accept that your relationship to that person has changed now.
Then and only then you are able to move on and free yourself from the pain. No, you are not a coward if you forgive, you are a coward if you run away from facing the truth.
Learn to Only Attempt to Control What You Can
Let’s be real, you cannot control what others do. Their actions are theirs to control and you shouldn’t even try to control others.
However, what you can control are your feelings, your actions and your thoughts. Acknowledge that you have the choice to do so.
You have the power to stop reliving the pain and simply move on. This power is in your hands, you only need to know how to enforce it in your life.
Everything Happens for A Reason
In essence, we all face changes, decisions, and events that are shifting the course of our lives.
They can be large and change everything, or small and go on without us noticing it in the short term. They can be positive and make us happy, or negative and make us learn.
Whatever happened to you, you need to be wise and acknowledge the impact of the action on you.
This is because having a positive outlook will make you live a longer and happier life. Once you learn how to do this, you’ve fully awakened yourself to a happier life and spiritual growth.
Give yourself a high-five that you stood tall through the storm. But also, give yourself the opportunity to grow even taller.
It’s inevitable that you learn about yourself, your limits and your needs from an experience like this.
Focus on the Present
The past is in the past and no amount of crying, yelling and misery can change that. That will only change your present from potentially good to potentially bad.
Every moment you indulge in crying and misery is a precious moment of joy and happiness you are wasting, when there really is a better way.
Reflecting on the past is inevitable, but note that reflection is not replaying painful moments and feeling miserable, only facing the truth.
After you do so, realise that the hurtful events aren’t happening anymore anywhere except in your head, causing you stress.
What I suggest is getting a fresh new focus on the present. Find joy and positivity in everything you do, in all things happening to you right now.
An attitude of gratitude is what sets you free from all the pain and negativity. By doing so, you are creating an outstanding life for yourself.
I understand that painful memories of the past will once in a while come back to you. However, instead of reliving the pain (or worse, shutting it down), acknowledge it gently, and bring yourself to the present moment.
Try to Be Understanding
Part of being a human is making mistakes. We are all flawed, there’s no way around it.
This step is not about excusing the other person of what he or she did to wrong you, but only to understand. Understanding will make the pain more bearable and in time it will make forgiving a lot easier.
Scan everything that has happened and while doing so, put yourself in that person’s shoes. Why he or she did what they did? Was it all an act of limitation, not knowing any better or something else?
Be objective and stop being so judgmental because no one is perfect and each one of us can make mistakes. Again, by doing this final step, remember that you are doing yourself a favour.
You aren’t justifying their actions; you are enabling yourself to move on and find happiness again.
You cannot do all of these right away from the first day you try. By trying to do things you’ve never done before, you are unlocking new opportunities in your life.
It takes time, patience, and most of all, commitment. Committing that you will sail through the bad moments is what will keep you blissful in life.
Written by David from David Brett-Williams.
Do you find forgiveness hard? What is it that stops you from moving on? Let me know in the comments 🙂
Awesome read. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you 🙂